i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
