then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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