Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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