sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
