The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
