I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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