my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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