Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
