Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
