It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
