Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
