I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
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Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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