So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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