I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
