I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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