Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
