...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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