How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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