I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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