yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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