One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
