Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
