um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
