You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
