Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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