fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
