I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
