CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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