Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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