I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
