You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
