I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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