You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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