So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
