More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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