the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
