I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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