:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
