i just wanna soil my oats bro
okay pat passed out under dana's car
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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