you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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