you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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