halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
