idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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