Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
