I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
