Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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