at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
