dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
