You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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