I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
