Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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