I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
