This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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